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ALL ABOUT ME
It’s not easy to be bossy in a relationship that comprises two alpha females, but a girl has to try. Catching your partner unawares I find is a useful tactic.
Combined with a sweet and polite manner, it can work wonders. “Could you switch the light on/fan off etc., please darling?” is best done when the girlfriend is already standing up and preferably in close proximity to the task at hand. As it’s hardly a stretch, she’s liable to comply without batting an eyelid.
Enticing her to get off the sofa while you’re both watching the telly is a tad trickier, but can still be achieved with a bit of cunning. “Can you make me a cup of dandelion tea, please?” Initial response: “Make it your bloody self!” Your reply: “But I’m really tired; I’ve had such a busy day/week.” Her: “So have I! You’re not the only who works.” You: “Yes, but I have got an underactive thyroid so my energy levels are low.”
Now of course this works best if you do indeed have said medical condition. If not, it’s worth making something up. Get a hair tissue mineral analysis done. Even a tiny amount of toxic heavy metals present in your system will be enough for you to believably claim that you’ve been poisoned and lifting a finger to help yourself will only result in total exhaustion.
Another strategy is to read a couple of health mags and learn about what dangers lie in every corner of your household (chlorine in the shower does all kinds of shit to your health, never mind your hair, for example). Before the shower filter that your girlfriend then orders online has a chance to arrive, milk your woes as much as you can. You should get at least a few meals and drinks made for you while your inner princess basks in the glory of being waited on, hand and foot.
Oh, talking of which, this is an excellent time to ask girlfriend for a foot massage (to help expel toxins and boost your energy levels, of course – plus if she hits the right spots it’ll also have a beneficial effect on your other organs, according to the principles of reflexology).
If you’re smart you can keep this up on a regular basis, so even those in long-term relationships can excel at making themselves the centre of the universe, albeit temporarily. Once you’ve mastered these basics, you may be tempted to proceed to advanced levels in this ‘All About Me’ game: You and the girlfriend are lying at opposite ends of the sofa. To find out what the time is requires you to lift your head two inches to see the VCR clock. So you ask the girlfriend to look instead. Good luck with this.
Even excuses about having a sore neck and needing to see the chiropractor don’t seem to cut it; instead comments such as “I’m not your bloody servant” fly my way. Tch. Lazy bitch. It’s all about HER.
Katrina Fox
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